The Black Hole

We went to have an ultrasound this Monday. I was excited, but nervous. All I wanted to see was a heartbeat, in the uterus. I got excited when I could see the gestational sac, but my heart sank. I looked at Mary. The sac was in the uterus, but it was just a black, empty hole. I looked at the doctor’s face. She was scanning, the tech was going back and forth. Nothing. They said maybe there is a small indication of a fetal pole and a yolk sac along the edge of the gestational sac, but hard to say. No heartbeat. Nothing. Not even a slight flicker on the screen.

She said come back next week. That there is a 50-50 chance its viable.

“We did some screwy things this cycle, I made you ovulate late, maybe its too early to see a heartbeat…”

Those aren’t hopeful words.

She put her hand on my knee, “I need you to go home and believe that you are still pregnant. Positive thoughts, okay?”

But all I feel is empty. I don’t feel connected to the pregnancy anymore.

Today I found out that the job I wanted and went through 4 interviews for was given to the other candidate.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

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